I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
420 ftw
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
