My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
