coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just want nice things and good sex
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I could fuck to npr.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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