Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
