This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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