# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
