we have officially lost it.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
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when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
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30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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