Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Randomize
