You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
