you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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