R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
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Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
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Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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