I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize