census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
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kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
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Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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