WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
