oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Randomize
