When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
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We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
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It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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