dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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