New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
