If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
