I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
