I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
