I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
