you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
