at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
