All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
