nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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