a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
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she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
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I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
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