right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
