Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
