Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
