Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
