just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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