puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
