I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
