You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
What a dumb baby whore.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
