I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
