come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
