Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
