I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
