I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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