i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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