I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
