smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
