"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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