I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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