Umm I'm too high to move.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
