he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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