We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
