Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize