I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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