Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Randomize
