Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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