Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
