I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
